Before we got married, we were both into fitness and eating healthy- not perfect, but consistent. And now since we’ve been married, he just started to not care… eating more than he should, not exercising much, eating fattening food, etc. I have not been perfect since we’ve gotten married, but I have always been trying and putting forth the effort to stay inshape and eat healthy for the most part. He just flat out doesn’t care! If I say anything about it, he yells at me and gets really defensive. I have always tried to keep my mouth shut and be supportive by cooking healthy tasty meals and by encouraging him to workout with me. He has the time to do all this, but will make up excuses. Do I have a right to be upset? Does he have a right to yell at me? Part of the reason I married him was because he embraced a healthy lifestyle… that was important to me. How is that fair to me for him to change so suddenly? He says I have no right to expect this from him? I’m pissed because he showed me a completely different person before we were married. Please, I just need honest answers… sorry for the long question. Thank you all.
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Arranged Love- Archering in Dark - said
December 14 2010 @ 15:37
He just seems relaxed that you guys are married now. May be he was doing it all for your before marriage..
Whiplash - said
December 14 2010 @ 15:37
why did my wife let herself go after we got married. funny how that happens
You're a Baka - said
December 14 2010 @ 15:37
Think of 8 simple rules, "Dad, you’re married. No one cares how you look,"
snowGoddess - said
December 14 2010 @ 15:37
Maybe your husband thinks there’s nothing wrong with ugly stuffs cause he is married:)
Bonnie C - said
December 14 2010 @ 15:37
Probably did it just to get married to you, and now is comfortable and secure that he doesn’t have to worry about it anymore now that he’s got you. Tell him what you said here….part of the reason you married him. If that doesn’t work, maybe try counseling or threaten to separate or divorce….maybe reality will hit. Good luck!!!
Alice W - said
December 14 2010 @ 15:37
Tell him that you care about his health and if he keeps going in the direction that he is headed you will not be blamed for his failed heart or high blood pressure because you are trying to make him healthy. You can not make him do anything that he does not want to do because he is an adult and you cant control every aspect of his life.
Special K - said
December 14 2010 @ 15:37
Say nothing more to your husband about getting in shape. This will only keep him from doing it. Start being friendly to a male neighbor who is in shape. No flirting, just friendly. Your husband will start hitting the weights bulk up to defend his territory. It’s just a guy thing. We are not that smart.
gahhh - said
December 14 2010 @ 15:37
maybe he feels you’ll love him no matter what. (which hopefully is true)
just let him know how you feel. i started letting myself go a little bit and my husband and i talked about it and he let me know that he loves me know matter what but he would rather i not let myself go. just when you talk to him, let him know that above everything else you just want him to be happy, healthy and that you’ll love him despite how he looks.
Netta - said
December 14 2010 @ 15:37
Maybe this is the real him. The fitness guy you met may have been the facade to attract a Mrs. It’s not uncommon for a guy to appear charming on the outside. The sort of things you mention are more apt to happen after decades of marriage , for one reason or another. Seeing it seems to have happened shortly after the ceremony says that his persona was an act. You have valid reason to be upset; but first sit down and explain and ask him to try to understand how you feel without him yelling at you and going on the defensive. It could also be that something else entirely is going on with him. Get him to open up.
Nena S - said
December 14 2010 @ 15:37
I think there could be a lot of reasons for his acting this way.
Many people find comfort in food; and if he is stressed, overworked, depressed or feeling bad about himself food gives him instant gratification.
I’d suggest you try to get him to go to counseling, so he can discover the REASON behind his eating so much. What you see is only the tip of the iceberg; he has to want to see what is underneath so he can adequately attack the problem.
Nagging him and telling him to stop eating or start exercising will only make you two feel more stressed out…so be careful.
By the way, if he yells at you…be careful. Respect is a key ingredient in a healthy marriage. Yelling is not a nice or smart thing to do.
tnb1984 - said
December 14 2010 @ 15:37
I think you have every right to feel the way that you do. Not sure if you literally had a discussion about this, before marriage … but, from what I’m reading … it appears you didn’t. One thing is obvious, nagging (even in the sweetest of healthiest of nicest of calmest of ways) is NOT the answer. Take a whole different approach. Don’t discuss it, at all, for a week or so. Then pick up (maybe a college summer class brochure?) that lists all of their classes/activities: raquetball, ballroom dancing, kayaking, softball, whatever. Say "Hey, look at this … see what interests him (without any pressure from you, in any way, shape or form) and go along with it! If he’s having fun, then the weight will come off naturally. Continue with the healthy cooking. He may just be in a rut. Things will be fine. Relax. We all have good & bad times. Don’t panic.
Woogs - said
December 14 2010 @ 15:37
You know, people change. He didn’t plot or plan this. I have certainly changed. We age for one thing. I have been married for 22 years and I sure don’t look the same and neither does my husband. I have had 2 children and a life threatening illness that required a major abdominal surgery (my stomach is basically a HUGE scar). If my husband had your attitude, I’d be in trouble. You will not be able to get him to work out – only he can decide to do this. You will either accept him or there will be lots of stress. I can tell you there are worse things in life than this.
Ric Hardison - said
December 14 2010 @ 15:37
I don’t know how long you’ve been married but people change, just a fact of marriage. However, I do believe you have every right to be frustrated. I know that it is politically correct to say that you should love and be happy with your spouse no matter what they look like, but this is simply unrealistic. Being concerned about his health, and being upset that he let his appearance fall off are legitimate issues.
There is no perfect answer as for a solution. I’d just keep trying different approaches, but HE has no right to expect you to be passive and accepting of this. In the end, he is going to do what he wants, but it’s up to you to decide if it’s good enough.
surfchic829 - said
December 14 2010 @ 15:37
I agree with the person who said to not say anything to him at all. You should use reverse psychology and see if that works. If you keep nagging him about his weight and his unhealthy eating habits he’s most likely going to keep rebelling against your wishes. It’s like when you tell a child not to eat candy, they want to eat more of it!
Maybe he’s testing to see if you truly love him… If you really do you will just let him be himself and accept him as he is. Maybe he’s just going through something personal right now, is there anything that could be depressing him?
Maybe YOU need to change up your routine a bit… not make friends with the neighbor like someone said, but just go out and do things on your own a bit with friends (not with other men… playing games is not a good idea), just to create a bit of mystery and to give him some motivation to start trying to win over your attention again. Maybe he will take note of his poor habits on his own that way.
yonosoy - said
December 14 2010 @ 15:37
you are already with him maybe he thinks he does not need to impress you anymore, dont take a shower, do not put makeup and walk around in a mumu for a day or two and ask him how he feels about it and proof your point to him